Learn to Love Yourself

Mostly everybody, man or woman, struggles with self-esteem at some point in their lives. I, myself, have struggled with keeping a positive self image for years. This particular segment is about ways to learn to love yourself, or to love yourself again after losing some of your confidence.

First things first, there is NOTHING wrong with loving yourself, it’s not conceited, it’s healthy. There is, of course, a line that you can cross, like when you assume you are so wonderful that you are better than everyone else, or become so selfish from the infatuation you have with yourself; that’s narcissism. 

Many people struggle to being okay with loving themselves, whether they’re aware of it or not. I was walked all over by so many people in my life that for the longest time I didn’t realize one of the things stopping me from loving myself, was feeling selfish about it. I was all about making everyone around me happy, so I felt guilty putting my happiness anywhere near the top of my priorities. I know now that you can’t live for anyone but yourself. I’m not saying to be selfish, or don’t love others. I’m saying do what makes you happy, if being with your partner or raising a child makes you happy, do it. If you want to travel the rest of your life or sow your “wild oats,” do it. Whatever it is that brings you joy (as long as it isn’t killing, theft, or anything along those lines) then do it.

 Second point, if there’s something you don’t like about yourself, change it or accept it. It’s really a simple concept, but hard to put into action. If you are overweight, change your habits. If you don’t like your wardrobe, get a new one. If you’re a pushover, learn to stand up for yourself. If you’re an asshole, learn to be nicer. These things take time to do, but it’s more productive to spend a year changing yourself for the better, rather than being in the same place the next year. 

Lucky number three, accept change and adjust accordingly. I have had so many changes in the past few years, and I’ve had to learn to adjust. Quite frankly, many of those changes sucked, but life sucks sometimes. Some changes were positive, but still took adjusting, like having a child. I think pregnancy messes with a woman’s self image more than any other event in life, physically speaking. So many women have a touch of BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) and cannot see how beautiful they truly are. I can now look back at pre-pregnancy pictures of myself and say, 

“How in the hell did I think I was fat back then?”

I’m not alone in this, it’s very common for women to see themselves quite differently in the mirror than everyone around them. Perception is reality, if you think you’re fat or ugly, that’s what you’ll see in your reflection. A good tip I have is to take pictures along the way as you are losing weight or transforming something on your body. I took so many belly pics while I was pregnant, but I also took a lot of post-pregnancy belly pics. It helps me remind myself of where I started (because I would like to forget it) and not be so hard on myself.  If you take pics (although I know it’s hard because you’re not taking pics of something you like) then you can see the transformation and know that you’re making progress. I recently looked back at my transformation, and my stomach looks 100x better than a year ago, when I had my son. Yes, I still need to lose about 10 more pounds and get rid of the last few stretch marks, but I’m okay with how it looks now, especially since I know it’s getting better. [Shape of a Mother is good site for women who just had a baby or are pregnant and dealing with low self-esteem.]

Four, get over your past, because as the old adage goes, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” Junior high and high school are not the highlight of your life, it may be awesome for you, or it may suck, but in 10 years it doesn’t matter. Believe me, I was made fun of; I was weird (still am), fluctuated in weight, smart (because apparently that’s a bad trait), nerdy, and had health problems (forever labeled “the sick girl”). Don’t get me wrong, I had friends, but I can’t even tell you how many times I was called ugly or fat. I was a late bloomer, face wise. I didn’t get pretty until high school, but luckily that gave me a great personality (“ugly duckling syndrome”)! ;-) Honestly, I don’t give a shit what any of those people think now because if someone wants to spend their time bringing down others, then they have issues of their own to deal with. 

Fifth lesson, surround yourself with people who make you happy and don’t bring you down. If you’re in a bad relationship, get out! If your “friends” suck, end those friendships because that’s not what they are.  As I mentioned above, I used to be surrounded by negative people who used me and walked all over me. This is very common and most people don’t realize it until it’s been going on for years. I finally started to speak up for myself in my late teens, and now nobody uses me as a doormat. I’ve always spoke my mind, but it took me a long time to actually speak up for and defend myself. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself, which bring me to my next point...

Six, don’t be afraid to be yourself. To love yourself, you need to be comfortable with the person you are. I’m weird, I know this, and I’m fine with that. “Normal” people are boring. Dr. Seuss once asked, “Why blend in when you were born to stand out?” So don’t be afraid to stand out from a crowd for good reasons.

Lucky number seven, refresh your look. If you’ve been feeling down lately, get a new haircut or change the way you do your make up. Men, this applies to you too (minus the make-up, unless you’re a drag queen; in that case, go all out)! Little cosmetic changes can actually boost your self esteem quite a bit.

These have just been some ways to help you love yourself, no one can make you do it. It’s not something that can be forced, because it’s love. I know that I am nowhere near perfect, which is fine because I’m human, but I love myself. I accept my flaws, physically and emotionally, and for the first time in my life I can say I am beautiful inside and out, (and mean it). I can finally look at myself in the mirror, without make-up, and still think I’m beautiful. Of course I have days when I struggle with this, because I’ll get caught up on a flaw, however, overall, I am pleased. I hope this helps men and women to build their self-esteem because you only have one life (unless you believe in reincarnation, but you probably won’t remember your past lives) so don’t waste it hating yourself; it benefits no one.